Sidenote, you do not 'own' your husband's semen.

Dear Diane,

When I say I’m thinking of starting a coke habit because it’s the cool grown-up drug, it’s a joke. You know I can’t afford a coke habit. When I say I want to use your husband’s sperm to create a half-bear, half-man hybrid, it’s an hilarious joke (and he has final say in regards to his semen usage). When I say I want to fight a bear, I’m dead serious. I want to fight a bear. No holds barred, fight till the end, visceral screaming and all that. And no it’s not cruel to the bear. It’s a fucking bear. That’s what they do normally. I wouldn’t kill the bear, I would force it to submit via the timely application of the sharp-shooter or figure four leg lock. I want the bear to live with the shame of knowing he was beaten and forced to tap out to a mere man. And again, the bear will start the fight, cause like I said, it’s a fucking bear.

Also I wish to thank you for giving me the opportunity to provide what I think is the best response to someone shouting ‘NO SEMEN!’ in my answer of ‘Then how else can i get a sentient bear to do coke with?!?!’ I also disagree with your proposed compromise of splicing a wolf and man using my genetic material... That seems too close to werewolf territory. I am already bad-ass enough. Can you imagine if I was half wolf? I would be so awesome that other awesome things would kill themselves. So uniquely handsome that men would hide their faces in shame whenever I was near. So Virile that with a wink I would be able to impregnate a woman and any four people surrounding her. It would be unfair to world.

So in conclusion, I will acquiesce to your request that no coke habit (or meth habit as was also frowned upon) will be began. Nor will I play God and try to create a half-bear, half-man army using your husband’s genetic material. I will get a motorcycle, and I will fight a bear though, but the bear will be in the wild, and will have picked the fight with me. And it will only be a one way death-match as my only goal will be the submission of the bear. Then I will ride off on my motorcycle, with nary a trace of coke (or meth) in either my system, nor the bear’s, most likely to the hospital where I will probably need stitches.

Sincerely,

Newsy Lalonde