I’m not sure who, at which point in your life, taught you that walking into someone’s office while they're in mid-sentence (on the phone or with a guest) and proceed to wordlessly bend down next to them and try to lift them out of their chair to try and ‘fireman carry’ them into the hallway. Don’t get me wrong, I love the look of triumph on your face when you succeed, and I love even more the look of sadness when you fail, it’s just that sometimes it’s inappropriate to lift people up. Also, why do you whisper encouragement to yourself?
Further to the lifting issue, I’m going to have to ask you to please stop playing the game ‘Black King, White Queen’ with the chess sets in my office. You’ve now broken both black kings (not going to accuse you of transferring your race issues onto my chess pieces...I’m going to, for my own sake, say it’s coincidence) and have made no attempt to repair them; looking at them helplessly, then at me with shame hoping I’ll either forget or forgive you... I will do neither by the way... praying the manager of operations will sweep in with the right kind of glue (from his OM utility belt?...which is just cigarettes, whiskey, and anger) and he has yet to.
Finally, please stop awkwardly asking to borrow a ‘twensky’. Say the word twenty. Also you don’t need to explain what it’s for. It always hurts your case. Also justifying your reasoning further hurts your case. When saying you’re taking out a new Polish immigrant (“straight off the bizzoat”) of 16 years old... The look of disgust and pity on the faces of your contemporaries at the office isn’t an invitation to offer justification, it’s just genuine expression of those feelings. Also stating “Well my 19 year old girlfriend has aged terribly” is so horrifying words fail me.
In conclusion, I applaud you on your lifestyle choices in so far as they provide us all with an endless supply of stories and feeling better about ourselves by comparison. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Sincerely,
Newsy
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