The Bell Tolls For Me

                You know those days when everything that can possibly go wrong does? Imagine for a moment that everyday is in fact just like that. You think to yourself, ‘well at least tomorrow can’t be as shittacular as today’, and then tomorrow happens and not only does it meet every benchmark of shittiness set by the previous day, but sets new trends only to be toppled by the following day’s shit.

                Today was in fact the best day of the month, because whereas usually there are a good baker’s dozen attendees to the ‘fuck over Newsy festival’ (a festival that seems to be celebrated on a daily basis), today only Bell fucked me over. I set up internet and phone service from bell for the new office. They install it, everything is working fine, three months go by, I’ve been paying my bell one bill regularly and everything is magical. Unicorns are blowing leprechauns in the corner. A few days ago, I start getting calls from their collection department. I call them today, and they say I owe them 400 dollars. I say ‘that’s fucking hilarious, as I’ve been paying regularly every goddamned month.’ Admittedly more aggressively than was warranted at the time perhaps, but since every human being and half of the robot population tries to screw me every fucking day of my life, I am often quick to anger with collection departments. The person from their Bombay call center who can speak no language with any discernable skill replies ‘No. No. There are no payments on your account.’ He had a follow up sentence but I couldn’t make it out as I was too busy trying to fury-throw my desk through my window. I responded, ‘I have my Bell one bill right fucking here asshole and it says in big fucking letters PAYMENT RECEIVED.’ Then he says ‘there is no bell one bill for business clients sir.’ This intrigued me. And by intrigued I mean sent me into a rage torrent. I inquired in my most polite tone ‘I only get one fucking bell bill and I pay it. Just like at my fucking apartment. The guy who installed everything said that I would get a bell one bill every month at the new address.’ Although this was the gist of what I said, it may have been somewhat obscured by the fact i was gnawing on the phone and punching the wall. ‘No. No. There are two bills, one for phone and one for internet. Your phone account has not been paid.’ I responded super politely ‘can you check the balance of the internet account?’ after waiting on the hold for ten minutes while this gifted individual figures out how to type a few keys on a computer he comes back with ‘there is a credit on that account sir.’ As I had spent the last ten minutes trying to will myself to not suffer an anger-stroke, I replied calmly, ‘can you transfer the balance of that account over to the phone account, as I’ve clearly been paying both to the one account?’ Although I fully expected his answer, it nevertheless caused a mild aneurism ‘No. No. That’s another part of the company. We only do phone. You can’t mix them.’... I reply ‘obviously. Silly of me to ask. Just out of curiosity, how come I haven’t been receiving a separate phone bill?’ I ask trying to stop my eyes from anger-bleeding (for those that don’t know anger-bleeding is like regular bleeding except the blood flows more quickly, is slightly acidic, and smells like hate). After another ten minutes on hold spent planning on the different types of voodoo curses that will befall this man when I get home, he comes back ‘I don’t know sir. You should have them. I can re-send them, but you have to pay right away.’ I for some reason have decided I must speak to this man as I would speak to a ‘special’ child who just got off the short bus with wet pants. ‘What’s your name?’ i ask nicely. ‘Shrikesh’ he says. ‘Shhhhhhhhhhhhh’ I say miming a soothing gesture for some reason. ‘Think about this with me. If I haven’t been getting them, re-sending them will probably not help right?’. ‘I don’t know’. ‘Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... How about we first just try to figure out why im not getting the bills. Where are you sending them?’ Another mind numbing ten minutes on hold spent killing this man in my head over and over again. ‘123 Fake St.’ he comes back with. ‘Which suite?’ I ask, knowing that I’m just setting him up to put me on hold at this point. ‘suite?’ he comes back with. ‘Yes... you see some buildings have several different offices in them, and when people or companies send letters or bills, they have to include the office suite in the building. You got the building right, but apparently neglected to put the suite number. I am surprised as the internet bills have the appropriate suite number and have thus been received and paid. Perhaps you could correct that error, and send the bills, at which point, I will pay them.’ Proud at myself for not reaching through the phone and ripping his heart out ala temple of doom. ‘so would you like to pay by credit card?’ he asks. At this point I’m feeling several things. I decide that there is plenty of time to run the fury gauntlet later and go with curiosity. ‘No my communicationally challenged friend. I have no bill in front of me. This is clearly an error on your part as everything went swimmingly on the other account, and they were set-up on the same day. So I will make no payment until YOUR mistake is corrected and I get a fucking bill in my hand.’ I took the silence on the other end of the line as an admittance of fault, and that I was making such perfect sense that this man was figuring out how best to apologise for the inconvenience and would immediately correct this absurd mistake. ‘So you want to pay by credit card now?’ I wish I could tell you we worked this little problem out like men, and reached a gentlemen’s resolution. I wish I could tell you that. Suffice it to say that I told him ‘No douche-fag. Send me a bill and then maybe i’ll pay it. I am going to go home and sacrifice a chicken to whatever revenge God you pray to, to make sure something horrible happens to you, and yes I mean something worse than working at a call center in India. I want you to know I hate you Shrikesh. I am holding you personally responsible for not just my current problems with Bell, but also all of my personal and business problems as well. I will end you Shrikesh.’... ‘you need to make a payment by credit card to avoid interruption to your service.’ He responds. At this point I hung up the phone. And by hung up I mean slammed to the ground and jumped up and down on while yelling at the top of my lungs ‘Shrikesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’