When your internet fails at home it’s a problem. When the internet fails at the office, it’s a goddamned nightmare. While sitting in my office, I see a sight every office manager wishes to never see again in their lifetime... the little blue bubble icon that indicates internet service has disappeared. I moved the items on my desk over in anticipation of what was to follow. Within fifteen minutes every single person in the office came into my office to ask me the following things in this exact order:
“Hey Newsy, the internet is out eh?”
“I know”
“Do you know why?”
“No”
“Any idea for how long?”
“No”
“Cool... Cool... Alright well, let me know”
“Sure.”
After the seventh time you just start to want to stab people in the face. Don’t they talk to each other? Seriously, why walk all the way across the whole goddamned office and bother the one guy who can’t fix the goddamned thing to ‘let him know it’s broken’ when you can clearly see the train of people leaving having just asked the exact same idiotic questions as you’re about to. But no, you’re right, Better safe than sorry, better let him know that the internet is broken. Because maybe all those other people were leaving his office for other reasons. Maybe today’s his birthday or something, because the head awesomeologist is just so wicked popular.
The next asshole comes in:
“Hey Newsy, the internet’s out eh?”
“Really?”
“Do you know why?”
“No, why?”
“... uhhh, I don’t know.”
“That’s right. You don’t know.”
“... Alright... Let me know when it’s back up.”
“No. I was thinking I’d keep it a secret. More internets for me.”
“...”
And the asshole after that:
“Hey Newsy, the internet’s out eh?”
“No it’s not.”
“... Uhhh yeah i think it is.”
“No you’re just doing it wrong.”
“Doing what wrong?”
“The internet. You’re doing it wrong.”
“... what should I do then?”
“Count to three mississippis then tap ctrl+alt+del four times. That’ll fix the internet.”
“... Ok...”
And the asshole after that:
“Hey Newsy, Internet is broken eh?”
“I know, I broke it.”
“... Well... Wait what?”
“I broke it. I wanted it gone and now it is. I win.”
“... Why would you do that?”
“Do you know what the internet is Patrick?”
“uhhhh... computers?”
“... You know what? I was going to do a whole skynet taking over the world, and me being a hero from the future being sent back in time to save humanity by breaking the internet at this exact office at this exact time, but I think that whole joke would be wasted on you Patrick.”
“.... uhhhh.... Are you fixing it?”
“... ... ... yes.”
“cool.”
Other favourites include the shadow game, trying to force myself to throw up in my garbage can when someone enters, answering questions nobody asked, ignoring their questions altogether and just talk to my computer in front of them as you would to a cat you’re trying to coax out of a tree, and my all time favourite answering their idiotic questions as the internet. That’s right pretending to be the internet that is broken, and blaming them for me not wanting to be the internet anymore.
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