Then we will fight in the shade

So it turns out Spartan kicking your Persian assistant while shouting ‘THIS IS SPARTA!’ is frowned upon by HR. So now there is a new job opening at Awesome Inc. as a result of the settlement. The position of Executive Assistant has the following requirements:

1 – Must speak English, French, Ancient Hebrew, Latin, a little Greek and Russian. I don’t speak Russian, but some people do and I want to know what my comrades over in sadville USSR are up to.

2 – Must be able to take a kick to the sternum. Nancies need not apply.
3 – Must not ask questions.
4 – Must be familiar with all office related software.
5 – Must be able to keep secrets.
6 – Must be able to use search engines efficiently. (This means can google...don’t know why HR has that, but here we are.)
7 – Must be able to handle a straight razor. (I likes my office shaves)
8 – Must love dogs.
9 – Must hate cats.
10 – Must be willing to exchange the word ‘yes’ in every day usage to ‘I shall kill many Persians’.
Send your CVs along.

Some may question why I’ve gone through 15 assistants in the last 3 years. Some left to pursue other opportunities, some left with broken sternums. All I’m saying is that I am a great person to work for. Expect to learn something new every day. Yesterday I taught my assistant why silver is a holy metal. The day before that, I taught him why emo vampires are so popular with the ladies (It’s the dead eyes). I’m a veritable cornucopia of information. Also, I always smell super nice. Sort of my thing. Apply now!