The following is an actual call that took place between myself and our ‘Strategic Alliance Manager’ Patrick at 1:30 pm on a Wednesday.
"Newsy?"
"ya?"
"Newsy?"
"...yyyaaaaaaa?"
"Oh Jesus Newsy."
"....yes Patrick?"
"Oh God."
"...Are you in the office yet? You were supposed to be there at 9."
"No.... No, I'm not in the office Newsy... hmana (weird almost inaudible mumbling)"
"Are you going in today?"
"...no...Newsy... I fucked up Newsy...I fucked up"
"...Aha.... Did you kill someone?"
"No"
"Is your underage girlfriend pregnant?"
"...No...No she’s not..."
"Are guys after you?"
"No"
"Then go to the fucking office. Ron has been there for hours."
"I can't... Newsy"
"Alright.. Let's hear it."
"My buddy Tom... Newsy. You remember Tom?"
"Yes Pat I remember Tom."
"Tom came over last night... Newsy... You know I'm feeling bad about my fat?"
"Yes Patrick I recall your reaction to 'Fatrick'"
"Oh God Newsy..."
"Sorry Pat, go on. Tom was at your place"
"He said he had pills."
"Patrick did you take drugs?"
"Ephedrine... Just Ephedrine tablets. He got a bunch when he was in China town."
"Those types of Ephedrine are illegal in Canada Pat."
"That's cause they work... Newsy... (what sounds like crying)"
"So You took a fistfull of counterfeit Chinese stims and are now about to die."
"Oh God. I fucked up Newsy."
"I can see that."
"What do I do Newsy."
"When did you take them?"
"Before Bed."
"I imagine you didn't realise taking a bunch of stims before trying to sleep was a bad idea?"
"Newsy... I fucked up... have to pee so bad."
"So pee."
"...I can’t!... I’ve been trying for hours! I’m just standing leaning against the wall and it won’t come out! (clearly crying at this point)"
"...Call me or Charlie if you start to have blurry vision. I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep it off"
"I fucked up... Newsy."
"Who hasn't taken illegal Chinese stims in clearly the wrong dosage at the worst possible time as a perfectly rational response to someone calling you 'fatrick' at work?"
"... What?"
"Everything about you makes me want to set myself on fire."
"...Newsy"
"ya?"
"Newsy?"
"...yyyaaaaaaa?"
"Oh Jesus Newsy."
"....yes Patrick?"
"Oh God."
"...Are you in the office yet? You were supposed to be there at 9."
"No.... No, I'm not in the office Newsy... hmana (weird almost inaudible mumbling)"
"Are you going in today?"
"...no...Newsy... I fucked up Newsy...I fucked up"
"...Aha.... Did you kill someone?"
"No"
"Is your underage girlfriend pregnant?"
"...No...No she’s not..."
"Are guys after you?"
"No"
"Then go to the fucking office. Ron has been there for hours."
"I can't... Newsy"
"Alright.. Let's hear it."
"My buddy Tom... Newsy. You remember Tom?"
"Yes Pat I remember Tom."
"Tom came over last night... Newsy... You know I'm feeling bad about my fat?"
"Yes Patrick I recall your reaction to 'Fatrick'"
"Oh God Newsy..."
"Sorry Pat, go on. Tom was at your place"
"He said he had pills."
"Patrick did you take drugs?"
"Ephedrine... Just Ephedrine tablets. He got a bunch when he was in China town."
"Those types of Ephedrine are illegal in Canada Pat."
"That's cause they work... Newsy... (what sounds like crying)"
"So You took a fistfull of counterfeit Chinese stims and are now about to die."
"Oh God. I fucked up Newsy."
"I can see that."
"What do I do Newsy."
"When did you take them?"
"Before Bed."
"I imagine you didn't realise taking a bunch of stims before trying to sleep was a bad idea?"
"Newsy... I fucked up... have to pee so bad."
"So pee."
"...I can’t!... I’ve been trying for hours! I’m just standing leaning against the wall and it won’t come out! (clearly crying at this point)"
"...Call me or Charlie if you start to have blurry vision. I'll see you tomorrow. Sleep it off"
"I fucked up... Newsy."
"Who hasn't taken illegal Chinese stims in clearly the wrong dosage at the worst possible time as a perfectly rational response to someone calling you 'fatrick' at work?"
"... What?"
"Everything about you makes me want to set myself on fire."
"...Newsy"
The following day, we learn that Patrick had taken 750 milligrams of Ephedrine. Recommended daily dosage on the package was 150 milligrams. While he described his symptoms to us (my favourite being the dozen or so failed attempts to urinate resulting in his continued mental breakdown) we started to wonder if this was going to be a regular occurrence. Turns out no, but not entirely uncommon. He has yet to urinate properly since this event.
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