Dear Client Company representative. I received your email regarding us taking hours and hours out of our week to compile a progress report for you on a system we developed for you that we STILL do not have a finalised contract for. I am amazed that you are able to make it into work each morning pushing your MASSIVE BALLS in front you in what I can only presume is some type of wheelbarrow. It’s liberating to know that we have the type of relationship that you can feel so free to talk to me about anything and that you aren’t the least bit embarrassed by your institution’s gross incompetence and negligence of their responsibilities at all so as to inhibit you from making demands such as progress reports on what up until now can only be described as our benevolence and extreme good will towards you. It fills me with happiness. Not at all murderous rage that will see me videotape *** EDITED OUT FOR EXTREME CONTENT****..............................................................................................................****EVEN MORE EXTREME*****.........................................................................................****GOOD GOD THIS IS MESSED UP****..................................................................cut off so you CANNOT STOP WATCHING. Perhaps we should go to lunch to discuss this ‘progress report’? You need it by when? Aren’t you just precious.
Dear every employee I have. I know what you’re thinking. ‘Myproblems are sooooooo important and the welfare of the whoooooole company is on the line and everyone should be helping me handle these things or else everyone’s fuuuuucked!!!!’ and in a way you’re right. All your problems are important. And yes, any one of you drops the ball and we’re all just a wee bit fucked. Stop, take a deep breath and hold it... Keep holding.... Keeeeeeeeeeep hoooooooolding....keep holding... I hope you’ve died. Problem solved for everyone. If one more of you comes into my office thinking your problem is bigger than any of the other 50 problems that require immediate attention I may leap over my desk and beat you to death with my lovely bronze statue of Sir Gallahad, oddly enough there to remind me not to beat people to death.
Dear landlord. I pay you rent, I don’t complain, we’re not loud, we don’t make life difficult for anyone. I even pay the stupid water tax that doesn’t seem legal as we have no faucet in the office, and the communal bathroom of ever office on the floor doesn’t seem to warrant 1500 dollars a year in water tax. When one of your idiot tenants who decides to do business with the door permanently opened next to the communal washroom tells you that the nice tenant down the hall has a lot of people in the office and they make noise when they go to the washroom, tell them to jump up their own ass and die. Problem solved. Asking an office full of people to keep quiet when going down the hall to go to the washroom is idiotic. Absolutely Sir, we like to go in teams so we can high-five and shout encouragement at each other while we pee. That’s how we roll. Didn’t know that was frowned upon. We’ll totally check it at the door.
Dear idiot tenant down the hall. You are a therapist. CLOSE YOUR DOOR when in session. Also, getting people to stand on your couch while yelling at a pillow isn’t therapy. Everything about you makes me embarrassed to be in the same building. So we make too much noise in the hallways on our way to the bathroom do we???? Well guess what dickbag? I’m going to do things to you now. Congrats.
Dear accountant. If the first 10000 times you ask me if i have the invoice for X resulted in me responding no, i gave you all the invoices I have... what the fuck makes you think this time I’ll respond differently? Oh why yes, I hung on to that particular invoice because I doodled something amusing in the corner and like to look at it whenever I’m blue. I GAVE YOU ALL THE INVOICES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! Just wave your magic accounting wand and fix whatever needs fixing. I’ll make you a new fake invoice if you need it. We need to meet three times this week because it’s year end? Awesome. Sounds like a party. Mind if I bring a loaded revolver so we can play a game in between receipt explanations? And yes, I will keep writing hilarious things in the memo section of Patrick’s cheques (nipple reduction surgery) because it tickles me and that tickling is the only thing preventing me from actually becoming some sort of antichrist.
Dear 6 lawyers. Stop charging me thousands of dollars. What happened lawyers? Have you ever actually looked at the expression on my face in our meetings? I look like Patrick when you call him ‘pie’trick. But all the time forever. Also, I’m not an idiot, you don’t need to rephrase everything you say to put it in simpler terms. I guarantee I’m smarter than you. If I had to explain what digital signage is fifteen times to you, let’s not pretend that the concept of a shotgun clause will fly over my head.
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