It’s funny how when people owe you money, they take as long as is physically possible to pay you, but when you owe them money, any delay, no matter how slight or for what reason, is in fact the most significant occurrence in the history of man. For example, we deal with many other companies, some big some small. Little companies go out of their way to nickel and dime you to death, and will try to pay late. Big companies throw bundles of money around, but seem to have absolutely no desire to pay you ever. They have also evolved to have departments that are responsible for paying, so as to ensure there is never any one person you can call and yell at, because none of the people there are in fact the person responsible. Tricky fucking bastards.
I am sitting at my computer eagerly awaiting an email notification of a payment that I was told would ‘absolutely go through today at the latest.’ Well it’s 4:07 pm, and there is no email. Now, you might think to yourself that maybe there was a delay, and that sometimes people are late. True enough. Had this been the first delay, or even the fourth delay, I would be less frustrangrageful. You see, I am so angry right now, the words angry, furious and enraged have actually ceased to mean anything. I am sitting quietly in my chair typing this blog, waiting for this payment confirmation that I know will never come, but have no choice but to wait for it while fielding questions about when we’re getting paid by fellow employees who (bless their heart) just plumb don’t know that with each additional question I infact move one step closer to stabbing them in the face with the pencil i currently have digging into my thigh so as to remind myself that I’m still human.
4:13 now. No email. No phone call. My prediction, 5pm hits with no email, and someone will email me telling me ‘definately Friday. For sure.’ At which point I will calmly say ‘alright. You know I was told it would be today at the latest, and the tardiness of the payment is actually causing interruptions to business.’ And they’ll say ‘but it’s only a slight delay of a few days.’ And I (while digging the pencil ever deeper into my leg praying that it severs an artery) will respond (yes, but as the original date we were supposed to receive payment was over half a year ago, this, the 24th delay (sadly this is entirely accurate. No exaggeration) is causing major problems. And as this has been stated to me, for now the 24th time, the next day of payments is ‘totally the day no question’ you can see how that is somewhat less than comforting.’ And they’ll mumble something about ‘seeing what they can do’ and I’ll say thank you and die a little more inside. Do you want to know what they can do? Nothing. Not one single person in that whole goddamned company can do anything to help anyone in regards to payment. Turns out that they set it up that way. My (for lack of a better word) ‘anger’ is left with nowhere to go but inwards. Nothing I can do but gorge myself on stolen ketchup packets (all i can afford as we haven’t been paid) and cry into my knees (which I can no longer feel as I think the pencil invaded a necessary nerve cluster).
At times like this I like to stop, close my eyes and think of a world in which I don’t want to set fire to everything and everyone. I call this place Narnia (unrelated to the popular fantasy books). Punctuality of payments from clients is prompt and in the correct amounts, and pants are optional (I can also fly). But even Narnia can’t help me now, as my (absolutely necessary) happy place is being invaded by my IT guy tapping me on the shoulder asking if I sent cheques to the server host company (or something like that. I couldn’t really make out the words because the steady progression of the anger parade had long since filled my ears with the sounds of angry speeches, war, murder, and for some reason the song alive and amplified by the Mooney Suzuki). I told him I had not sent the cheques (punctuated by my hurling his car keys out the window). This resulted in him taking a swing at me.
As I dragged the body sized rolled up carpet to my car (and by car I mean bicycle), planning my route to the nearest open construction site, eyes stinging with tears and blood, I get a ding on my phone. Payment has been transmitted. I look down at my mangled bloody hands, and soaked carpet and wonder where I’m going to find a new It guy... Now that we got paid finally, maybe we can hire someone new... that doesn’t ask questions...
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