'The Challenge'

Is it normal that every day at the stroke of noon our office turns from a functioning place of business into an octagon of doom? I’d like to say yes, but deep down in my heart of hearts I know this to be false. It started years ago when our ‘Strategic Alliance Manager’ Patrick stood up to mix himself a protein shake and for some reason kissed his flexed bicep muscle while pouring water from the cooler (the fact his polo shirt collar was popped made the image that much more powerful). Eric having watched this entire incident from his workstation laughed and called him a “gender-confused, failed bank-teller hopped up on horse protein”. Patrick, being less than quick with the insults called Eric a ‘fag’ and challenged him to an ‘Indian wrestle’ (I should point out that this was before the mandated sensitivity training... now referred to as ‘native wrestle’... and ‘fag’ is now the much less offensive ‘Nancy’).

So as they stood facing each other, Patrick starting in on his ‘mind games’, telling Eric all the ways he’s going to achieve victory (as a side not for anyone who does anything like this, telling your opponent the exact series of manoeuvres you intend to perform is silly, also using fighting moves you saw in the video game ‘battletoads’ as a kid and a brock lesner fight is more silly). His piece de resistance he just learned from his friend from ‘the street’: the over-arm tackle. At least that’s what I’m going to call it, as the name he gave it (the shame-maker) reflects badly on everyone. That’s right. All of mankind should be embarrassed. I can barely look at myself in the mirror after having heard him refer to it thusly in utter seriousness.

The over-arm arm tackle he demonstrated was basically a lunge forward with an attempted leg grab with the left arm, while the right arm attempts to punch your adversary in the ear... I can’t even begin to describe to you the short comings of this manoeuvre. Needless to say he failed in both taking Eric down, as well as punching him in the head. He did succeed in tripping, and tumbling slowly and awkwardly into the front wall of Charlie’s cubicle (often referred to as the fortress of solitude).

The disturbance got Charlie pretty riled up and the ensuing explanation resulted in Patrick showing Charlie the over-arm takedown. As Charlie simply held Patrick’s head down (every opponents first reaction) and laughed while Patrick swung his arms around with no success, I ventured into the bullpen and asked what pray tell were all these people doing to poor Patrick (my words may have been slightly more aggressive). As Patrick explained everything to me (the physical demonstration of which resulted in Patrick again tripping, falling and ripping his pants) I then instructed both Patrick and Eric to ‘Sack up and stop being such a pair of Marys’ (again pre-sensitivity training) and to just fight it out in the alley with beer bottles like adults. (also that was the day everyone was required to bring a change of pants to the office as Patrick pantsless for the rest of that day was uncomfortable... what with all the attempted over arm takedowns)

Eric won, and then Charlie wanted in, and then I jumped in for shits and giggles. Eventually everyone in the office participated. Now every day at lunch we have our little battles. We call it ‘the challenge’. It’s since been written into all new employee contracts.