Patrick has a tardiness problem. This has been a bit of conflict point between him and everyone else. Today Eric storms into my office and complains about Patrick being late. His exact words were ‘Even after I swallowed that nail I got to work on time’. Which naturally led me to ask the question:
“You swallowed a nail?”...
“yeah.”
“Like a fingernail?”
“No a 3” finishing nail... You never heard the nail story?”
“No... I can safely say I never heard the nail story... In fact had I heard about the nail story I would have thought twice about hiring you.”
“Well I was younger so...”
“Like 5?”
“Senior year of high school.”...
“...”
“So my friend had a nail in his pencil and was hitting me”
“naturally”
“So I grab for his pencil and only catch the nail. He reaches for it but i put it in my mouth.”
“makes sense”
“he starts shouting for me to give him the nail back and I keep threatening to swallow it.”
“that’ll show him”
“So I figure it would be funny to spit the nail at my friend, right?”
“Sure”
“So as I suck in the air, I accidentally swallow it.”
“Ironic”
“What?”
“It’s Ironic you fell victim to the very ruse you were mocking your friend with... sorta boy who cried wolf.”
“...?”
“Nevermind. Go on.”
“So I have this scared look on my face, and I tell my friends who don’t believe me.”
“Wolf!”
“What?”
“nothing.”
“So they shout at me to go to the nurse’s office. So I raise my hand. My teacher liked to ignore me...”
“The hell you say.”
“Fuck you, you wanna hear the story or not?”
“I’m on the fence.”
“Fuck you I’m telling it anyways”
“Go for it”
“So he continues to ignore me and my friends yell “GO TO THE NURSES OFFICE!!!!”... so i get up and bolt for the door, while my teacher chases me and shouts “GET BACK HERE”. Apparently my friend caught up with him and explained everything. He failed me for the exam that day cause I was gone.”
“I think you failed the exam of life that day.”
“...”
“...”
“Well my Mom was called and it was her first day at a job she got because the last lady who had the job had to keep going home to take care of her sick kids. She explained to them that her kids were older and they don’t get sick often and they can take care of themselves.”
“Then she gets a call that her 18 yr old son swallowed a roofing nail in school.”
“It was a finishing nail...”
“Right cause swallowing a roofing nail would be stupid.”
“...”
“...”
“So she comes to get me and takes me to the hospital, they show me the x-rays and we can see the nail. They said its better to go with surgery to remove it. Turns out though that once they got in they couldn’t find it.”
“How do you miss a big ass nail?”
“I swallowed some other stuff.”
“...?”
“...”
“alright...”
“So they got some stuff out but the nail is still there. They say I’ll pass it naturally in a few days. They gave me a kit to ‘search’ through my ‘leavings’.”
“Awesome. Just when I thought you couldn’t get classier.”
“Yeah well I never found it. I had to go back to the hospital every day and get x-rays. But one day it was just gone. The weird thing was I didn’t poop that day.”
“That is weird.”
“That the nail disappeared?”
“No, that you went a day without pooping. I was thinking of making the bathroom your office, you almost never leave.”
“...”
“...”
“So I went back to the hospital the next week for more x-rays...”
“Jesus for the nail? I thought it was gone”
“No this was for something else.”
“...”
“So the tech guy there says after the 24th x-ray he’s sure I’m sterile now, cause I couldn’t use the crotch protector cause that’s the area they needed to see.”
“Your fiancée will be thrilled”
“Don’t tell Diane”
“I’ll keep it to myself for now.”
“So I might be sterile cause I swallowed a nail.”
“Evolution working it’s magic”
“?”
“Nevermind”
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